National Problems
by Mint Royale
Summary: Oneshots about funny moments that might happen out of vampire and human misunderstandings. AxI.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Hellsing is not mine.

BIG thanks to starrylark!!! This fanfic is nothing serious, I just like irritated Integral too much. Hope you like it.

* * *

Integral didn't feel like waiting for night to fall. She lit her cigar and gave a cry: 

"Alucard!"

"Yes, Master?" after several seconds dark shadows began to twinkle on the office wall.

"Explain yourself."

"Regarding what?"

"Don't play dumb with me!"

"I'm not allowed to read your mind."

Integral breathed deeply.

"What the hell had happened yesterday?"

"There was no hell, Master. The mission was successful."

"Five dead foreign girls is your idea of a successful mission?"

"But, Master, "Search and destroy"."

"Since when did I tell you to kill teenagers?!"

"They weren't human."

"Then what were they?! Werewolves maybe?!"

"Two of them claimed to be."

Integral rubbed her temples.

"Master, they are a particular kind of creature. They are known as 'fangirls'."

"What _are_ you talking about?"

"They knew too much about the Hellsing Organization and about me."

"The Queen knows a lot about Hellsing too, should we kill her?"

"If she starts to go around saying that she's the 3000 year-old daughter of Akasha (whoever she is) and that unless I drink her blood, the earth will face certain doom…" Alucard inhaled, "…then yes, I think we should kill her."

"What?"

"When I found them, they were planning to attack Hellsing's headquarters. One even dared to claim that she was my daughter."

"You cannot have children, Alucard."

"I know that. Another one said that she was _our_ daughter."

"…"

"So, really, Master, how could allow them to live?"

"The intention of my organization is not to kill morons, Alucard."

"I had no patience."

"You obviously had more patience with Renfield."

"He was a moron. He died. They were a bunch of morons. They died."

"Does everything have an equivalent in your mind?" Integral began to feel nervous. "What's next? Am I Abraham to you? Are you going to plot against me?"

"No, Master. You would be Mina."

-long long pause-

"You can not kill people, Alucard. Is that clear to you?"

"That goes against my nature a bit, don't you think so, Master?"

"And that's why exactly I'm repeating myself. Anyway, where did you find them? Your target was a single vampire and a few ghouls in the middle of the countryside."

"They were in a house."

"In what house?"

"…Mine."

"You have your own house?"

"…"

"Will you stop this?! You are not a child that I should need to drag every answer out of, and furthermore I shouldn't even need to ask anything. You are supposed to report _everything _for God's sake!"

"Master," Alucard coughed, "Those houses have nothing to do with Hellsing."

" '_those_ houses'??"

"There are some more…"

"How many?"

"…"

"How many?!"

"…few hundred… not counting flats…"

Integral didn't say anything. She wondered what she did in some past life to have to endure this red-swathed, night-walking disaster. Likely, the price of his realty would be bigger than Hellsing's yearly income…before expenses.

"Master, as I have stated previously, I don't need them anymore. I haven't for almost a hundred years."

"Why did you need them in the first place?"

"For residents."

"For rent?"

"Something like that. Try to understand, after 400 years it became quite tiresome to have to ask to be let in every time I wanted a bite to drink. Especially when you're already hungry…"

Integral leaned her head on her palms. Alucard turned to walk away, seeing that his Master don't need him anymore, but she remembered one more thing:

"So why did you simply shot those poor teenagers instead of draining them dry?"

"Diet, Master."

-long pause-

"Are you just playing dumb this evening or have you been spending too much time with your fledgling?"

"I wasn't interested in them. They had nothing I would possibly care about and were of no use to me."

"Strange, I thought that you like virgin victims."

"Mhm. And can you imagine what it would be like to taste that particular delicacy again after so many years?"

At that moment Alucard eyes became so fierce that Integral couldn't help but recall their first meeting. Shivers ran down her spine. It was quite obvious what exactly he was mentally savoring.

"Enough! Get out of here!"

Alucard only smirked and, without breaking eye-contact, was suddenly gone. Still shivering, Integra turned to her computer screen and resumed typing an email. Suddenly, in the corner of the screen she saw a tiny advertisement…

"Hellsing OVAIII on sale?... What the…???.."


	2. 577 years of wisdom

Alucard walked slowly down the hall

**Disclaimer**: Hellsing is not mine. (As well as Alucard's opinions)

A/N: Originally this one was the first chapter . Before you start reading, please keep in mind that writing this I DIDN'T want to tell anything bad about anyone and I'm one of those naive optimists who think that one day we will all live in perfect peace and happiness (though I'm Hellsing fan lol ). Though asking Alucard to be tolerant is probably too much, he's too old to change.. Anyways, thank you starrylark for your help!!

Alucard sauntered slowly down the hall. The matter was quite important, but not so urgent or amusing that he would just melt through the ceiling into Integral's office. Besides, he still needed time to think. Not too much. Just a little bit more. Alucard didn't like asking for things. He hated the very idea – only people who were weak and vulnerable needed to ask. Frankly, he couldn't remember the last time he had asked for anything. Alucard stopped at the doors of Integra's office to make sure that he understood the concept correctly. And to make sure that he still remembered how to do it. Properly, that was. In the past, Alucard would have simply taken whatever he wanted. But that won't work with his Master. Well, at least it won't work in this case. He arranged his face in what he hoped was an earnest expression and very deliberately walked into the room. Through the door. Integra, who assumed it was just Walter bringing her new assignments, didn't look up.

"Master."

Integra raised her head and turned her confused gaze toward Alucard. Who had just entered through the door. After a minute of uncomfortable silence, Alucard began to speak again:

"You are weak and your organization is falling apart."

Integra stared at her pet vampire. Both of them sensed that whatever should have been happening, it wasn't supposed to go like this. Awkwardly, Alucard walked over to the painting of Arthur Hellsing and turned his back to Integra, trying to regroup. This wasn't going well. There was another loooong pause.

"You need to reform your organization," he tried again, not yet turning to face his Master.

"And what would you like to suggest?" she responded, still too bewildered by her vampire's inexplicable behavior to formulate a decisive reaction to it.

"Hellsing needs to widen its jurisdiction."

"You're getting bored? There aren't enough vampires for you to hunt in England?" Integra was offended. She served her queen and country, not all of Protestantism.

"No."

"Then what?"

"You should be helping other organizations that cannot look after England themselves."

"Exactly what other organizations are you referring to?"

"Scotland Yard," said Alucard, turning around to face his Master.

"Scotland Yard? You've got to be kidding…"

"Yes. For example…you could create a fact-finding committee to investigate terrorist threats."

"Hellsing has nothing to do with terrorists."

"Ah, but you're wrong. How do you think the chips were brought to the UK? Illegals brought them."

"You think Hellsing should be chasing around illegal immigrants?!"

"When they're helping our enemies, yes. These people are hurting the organization, and that means they're hurting me. Those idiotic Turks smuggle in chips and explosive devices from all over the world. We need to eliminate them."

"Turks?!" said Integra, reaching for a cigar, "Is that what this is about?"

Alucard didn't say anything. Integra lit her cigar.

"You're unbelievable…"

"_You_ haven't forgiven Richard."

"But 400 years, Alucard!"

"That's the beauty of hatred, Master. It never disappears."

Integra gazed at the ceiling. "Dear God, where were you during the Middle Ages?" She turned back to Alucard. "There will be no further discussion on this subject, Alucard. They are not vampires. I have nothing to do with them. And that means neither you do. Is that clear?"

"So you're assuming that a Turk can never become a vampire?"

"When he becomes one, I'll call you."

"But they are possessed by the devil," he breathed.

"'Utter Catholic'"

"Repeat"

She glared at him. "No."

"Repeat your main command."

She looked straight into his eyes, eyebrows furrowed. "Search and destroy."

He leaned in. "If I am given an order to search, I will search. Vampires can be anywhere," he said, as if Integra didn't know it already. "Among Turks as well. I mean immigrants."

Integra took a deep breath. "So this means I'll have to order you to stay away from immigrants." She stood up slowly.

"Your orders are a bit incoherent, Master," Alucard grinned. Teasing her wasn't part of The Plan, but he couldn't resist.

That was enough for Integra.

"Your brain is a bit incoherent, _Servant_, if you think I'm going to let you persecute your personal vendetta under the guise of Hellsing's noble mission!"

"Then we'll just wait for the enemy to attack us directly, again," grumbled Alucard.

"What did you say?!"

"At least there are no Turks in your new 'army.' I know that for a fact."

Integra crossed her arms and debated whether or not to take his bait. This was ridiculous. Idiotic vampire. She wasn't going to play his games. Finally, as authoritatively as possible, she said, "No, Vampire. This discussion is over. You are only allowed to eliminate those who have lost their souls. That is all. You may leave now." She sat down, picked up the papers in front of her, and began to scrutinize them very deliberately. Once he finally left, Integra took out the Wild Geese's files, just to check. "It's probably just a coincidence." she shivered, seeing that indeed there wasn't a single person from the Near East among them. "He wouldn't dare…"


	3. food house

AN: Thanks for reading and rewieving! I probably wrote this one long time ago but forgot about it xD And I don't remember if the mistakes are cleared xD Oh, and once again, it's absolutely nothing serious ^^

"Master?"

"Oh good, you're finally here. There's new mission and I want you to be there."

"I'm listening."

"There's a hospital in east Wales and…"

"A hospital?"

"Well, yes. And I want…"

"Everybody is attacked by vampires there I guess."

"No, I need…"

"Then everybody is turned to ghouls."

"No."

"To zombies?"

"Goddamnit, Alucard! There's nothing wrong yet! We just assume that there might be a laboratory that was used to make freaks, that's all."

"So why do you want me?"

"You'll go there and investigate. You'll cover as a doctor and…"

"What?!"

"?"

"Need I remind you that my official so called profession is to assassinate and annihilate?"

"You were dressed as a freaking businessman during Rio massacre, what's different from now?"

"For how long I'll need to be there?"

"About a week. Now, I need you to be as… What?"

"Did you recently fell and hit your head somewhere?"

"I appreciate your concern, but we need to investigate that hospital."

"But why _me_, master?"

"I find you most trustworthy, that's all."

"You think I'm most reliable of all your staff? I am a _monster_, you can not possibly think I'm trustworthy."

"Why not?"

"I am _insane_."

"Really?"

"I _eat human_ flesh."

"What's your point?"

"You cannot send me there! I need blood to live. You feed me all these years with those little tiny packs of cold tasteless mud, usually called _donated blood_, and then you'll just throw me into a hospitals reception were everything and everywhere is bleeding and tearfully begging to put them out of their terrible misery? Really, what did I do to you to deserve this?"

"Sorry to say this, but you have no choice."

"I won't go."

"You're a servant, you will go."

"Well, yes, in theory I was Richard's servant as well. In theory."

"Is this a threat, Alucard?"

"I'm simply stating the fact that I won't go there. You won't make me."

"Watch me."

"But it's for your own sake, Integra! Do we spend too much time together? Your insanity is almost in the same level as mine."

"You could work in a blood test laboratory."

"Like this would make me feel better…"

"Are you really so terribly hungry?"

"That's the problem – I'm _always_ hungry! What a life's irony… I won't go there."

"Unless?"

"Unless what? I simply won't go there. Unless you'd give me to drink from your veins as much as I want. You see now? So that's why I'm telling again that I won't…"

"Ok."

"What?"

"I agree."

"Seriously, where did you fall?"

"You'll get my blood, but only while it won't damage my health. And then you'll successfully return from _that_ hospital."

"…"

"Now here is all the information you need. You will leave this night and from tomorrow I want to hear clear reports every single day."

"Day?"

"Yes, you'll get to deal with this and live as a normal a bit insane human doctor. Besides, for you, impossible is nothing, am I right?"

"You're a cruel woman, master…"

"It's all thanks to you. Now this is all and you may leave."

"As you wish…"


	4. spring season

A/N: Thanks everyone for reviews and DynamicDuo 911 for her help!^^ Again, it's very offtopic, kinda no beginning or ending.. and again, been sitting in my folders way too long xD Any ideas for the next offtopic, anyone? xD

"Master!"

"Yes, what is it?"

"Were you aware of the fact that half of your house is in a terrible condition?"

"What?"

"The dungeon, it's all flooded !"

"You consider dungeons to be half of my house?"

"No… I consider the dungeons as _all _of _my_ house!"

"So, what do you want me to do?"

"I don't know. Fix it. It's been raining like hell all these two months. But I guess you didn't notice that. All you have been doing is sitting in this office, that basically means doing nothing,while I come from missions to simply find out that my dungeons have turned to a terribly big underground pool."

"I don't have so much time for training like I used to."

"Well, you should find that I'm not going to protect you forever."

"In this case, what use of you do I have if I can protect myself perfectly without your interference?"

"I want my dungeons back."

"Do you suppose I should go there and scoop all the water out with a bucket? It can't be cleaned very fast. There's a lot of work fixing that."

"Make people work faster."

"I could but you wouldn't be satisfied anyway."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because it needs time to fix and clean everything completely."

"So…?"

"So, go and occupy some other room. There's a lot of free space in this house. I'm sure you'll be able to go back to dungeons by the end of next week."

"You're not going to mind this, are you?"

"Just go."

"Deal then."

"What?"

"Have a nice night, Master."

_…and so a bit later…_

"Alucard!!!"

"Yes?"

"What the hell is this?"

"I'm disappointed you cannot recognize it, Master…"

"What the hell is your coffin doing in my bedroom?"

"You said I could stay where I want. So, here I am."

"Why _the hell_ in my bedroom, Alucard?"

"I don't want other rooms. I want my dungeons back."

"They aren't yours in the first place! Get this thing out immediately."

"I won't."

"What?!"

"I'm not saying that I refuse to obey, I simply don't have anywhere to place my last domain."

"There are at least 20 unused rooms in this house, why do you not like them?"

"I don't want to leave it there. Anyone can come in."

"So lock up."

"Anyone can still come in. Housemaids, for example, have their own keys."

"I'll tell them not to go there."

"They still might come in."

"So what if they do?"

"I don't want that."

"Housemaids are coming into my bedroom even more often."

"Well yes, but it's _your_ bedroom. "

"Does that make a difference?"

"They won't touch anything."

"You're terrible… They come here every day to clean and tidy my room up! "

"Well, but they won't touch my coffin."

"Why's that?"

"Because they won't."

"Alucard, for God's sake, I don't want your coffin here. What would housemaids think when they find your coffin lying in my room? I certainly don't want any of that 'what do you exactly do with your vampire pets?' anymore."

"That's okay, everyone's thinking that anyway. I don't mind that."

"Well I _do_ mind. I don't enjoy any private stories and nor do I want anyone to talk about mine. Especially my bedroom. So you're getting out."

"That's too bad. In such cases, I have a lot of stories about personal mistakes of all your other servants and I can assure you they're very interesting."

"Not for me."

"Oh come on, Master, I know you would love to know about everyone in this house. Now that we're sharing a room, they could be bed stories."

"Bed stories…?"

"Er, wrong word… Stories before bed… still doesn't sound right somehow…"

"I'm not interested in spying on my workers."

"Well, fine. Then what about if I sleep here during the day, and during night I'll be on missions? This shouldn't cause you any trouble. Not that I would care, actually…"

"And what if there are no missions?"

"I'll find how to entertain myself."

"…"

"Not in your bedroom of course. I… promise."


End file.
